CHAPEL HILL, NC- Silent Sam 2, the successor to the now-removed original Silent Sam statue, is to feature live ammunition, according to representatives from the UNC Board of Governors. The Board, which met Tuesday to discuss the future of Silent Sam after the surprise resignation of Chancellor Folt and the final removal of the statue’s pedestal, has decided to erect a new statue that will honor UNC’s Confederate dead and will be armed with .30 caliber full-metal-jacket rounds.

“We feel it is necessary for the protection of our university’s history,” said one member of the board as he demonstrated the M4 Carbine machine gun that will replace Silent Sam’s original Springfield Model 1861 rifle. “After so many instances of violent student behavior, we feel it is necessary for Silent Sam 2 to be able to protect itself,” said another board member. “We just can’t justify spending taxpayer dollars on barricades and tear gas every time people get upset about this thing, and, frankly, we think we can all benefit from cutting out the middle-man.”

The statue, which legendarily will only fire his gun if a virgin walks by, has been afforded total legal authority to fire upon both virgin and deflowered students should they appear to be holding a sign.