CHAPEL HILL, NC- Rameses, the mascot of the UNC Tar Heels Football Team, is set to receive testicular reduction surgery Friday. The male Dorset Horn sheep who is famous for his extremely massive scrotum has reportedly become increasingly embarrassed about public appearances and believes that his large nuts may be impeding his ability to do his job. “I can just feel the staring,” said Rameses, who is famous world round for his huge sack. “I want people to pay attention to my glistening wool or my Carolina Blue horns… not to my massive balls.” Rameses’s human handler Jacod Reynolds will be happy to see his cojones go saying, “We try to tell him no one is looking, but of course, everybody is. He can see them pointing and laughing and you just gotta feel bad for him.”
Rameses, who, in his youth, was known as a big-balled bachelor and a scoundrel, has apparently given up on that raucous lifestyle. “I used to take pride in my balls but now I am just ashamed. There was a time when these stones could get me anything, but now I want people to appreciate me for me” said Rameses, whose huge knee-knockers have started to take a toll on his self-image as well as on his health. “As I get older, dragging around my puppies has gotten harder on my back. Frankly, I’m just tired of them.”
The surgery, which will be conducted at UNC Hospital later this week, is a very safe procedure, but the Carolina community has still been reaching out to Rameses with well-wishes. “We’re gonna miss those cojones,” said a statement from the UNC Board of Governors, but we support Rameses in this difficult time, and we wish him all the best.” Meanwhile, the human boy who wears the Rameses costume at basketball games has volunteered for an experimental procedure aimed at testicular expansion.