CHAPEL HILL, NC- A fearless protector of the Law and guardian of Justice placed a $50 ticket on an illegally parked Jeep Grand Cherokee early Monday. This silent crusader, who has been confirmed as Officer Joe Harris of the UNC Parking and Transportation department, was reportedly swift and unwavering in his courageous enforcement of the UNC parking codes when he saw that the Jeep had been left in a 30-minute parking spot for 37 minutes. “It’s these sorts of scum I have to deal with every day,” said Harris, “but I’m proud to protect the citizens of Chapel Hill.”
Officer Harris, who has humbly served as an iron-clad knight for all that is righteous for three years now, was reportedly “just doing his job,” when he brought down the mighty sword of judgement upon the owner of the black SUV. “I don’t see myself as a hero,” said Harris, “I’m just your regular friendly neighborhood parking officer.”
“He’s one of our proudest sons,” said Dana Watson, the chair of the Parking department. “He’s close to breaking our monthly record for tickets administered, and he has never shied from his sacred duty as a sworn Watcher of the Lots.”
We, the citizens of Chapel Hill, salute you, captain of Justice for your loyalty to the Law and her fragile sovereignty over this land. May your ever-vigilant eyes watch on, brave guardian.