CHAPEL HILL, NC- Garrison Brooks, the talented freshmen Power Forward of the UNC Tar Heels Basketball Team, was ritually sacrificed to the Old Gods of Dark Magic late yesterday by his coach and mentor Roy Williams. “We are willing to do what it takes to get a dadgum advantage in this tournament,” said Williams, who donned the traditional State Farm basketball net cap ahead of the blood sacrifice. “I hate to see Garrison go, but the Gods require flesh and it must be bequeathed.”
“It sucks man,” said Luke Maye, another friend and mentor to the younger Brooks, “but the Mystic Ones grant great power to those willing to offer the Blood of Youth and I’d just love to bring another championship to Chapel Hill.” Maye, who won the national championship as a sophomore in 2017, was nearly sacrificed ahead of that year’s tournament but was saved at the last minute when the Dark Gods granted Roy Williams a vision of the Kentucky game. Center Tony Bradley was sacrificed instead, which Williams claims led to the Tar Heels cutting down the nets.
“In a tournament where an upset can happen at any moment it’s great to have the Dark Lords on your side just to make sure,” said Williams. “I just hope Brooks will be enough to satiate their hunger for human life-force. If not it looks like Platek will have to go as well.”
At press time, Williams seemed confident. “I’m proud of these boys. They’ve got grit and maturity and, of course, the favor of the ancient dark magic on their side. We can take any body.”