Newman Catholic Center’s Pit Confessional Draws Crowds

CHAPEL HILL, NC- The Newman Catholic Center, which caters to Catholic students on campus, was proud to report, Tuesday, that the confessional they placed in the Pit for Lent has already drawn hundreds of repentant sinners. “We really weren’t sure if students would be willing to confess their sins right there in the middle of campus but we have had lines out the door every day,” said Father O’Riordan, leader of the Newman Parish.

“Its pretty convenient,” said sophomore Peter Simon, “to just be able to confess your sins right there on your way to class. It’s such a hassle to get to church every time I covet my neighbor’s wife or watch Harry Potter.”

“I enjoy it,” said Father Kiernan, who hears the Pit confessions. “I mean its a little disturbing to hear what people are up to around here but hey the kids are alright with God now so they’re alright with me.”

Kiernan, who is a veteran at the Catholic sacrament of Reconciliation, is reportedly “extremely pleased” with the level of guilt felt among the student body for their various sins. “They really hate themselves and so we’re here to remind them that that’s OK as long as you tell God about it.”

At press time, O’Riordan stated that the confessional had been visited by over 500 students and was “totally not being used for weird sex stuff.”

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