Weaver Street Co-Op Members to Stop Cooperating

CARRBORO, NC- Members of the Weaver Street Market Co-op announced, late Wednesday, that they will no longer cooperate as of April 25th, 2019. “Things just got icy and they just couldn’t do it any more,” said TJ Andrews, a cashier at the market.

According to sources, the various groups that contributed to keeping the market up and running found that their differences could not be reconciled. “The Wiccans just stopped talking to the young hipsters and they were already on bad terms with the old hippies, and I don’t even wanna get into the health moms and the middle-aged cyclists,” said Kara Seever, a customer and former co-op member. “The young hipsters wanted to invest in more IPAs and the health moms wanted a greater variety of cereals and honestly it just wasn’t gonna end well.”

Things boiled over, Sunday, when Hecate Williams, leader of the Wiccan faction, began arguing with a prominent old hippie John “Mr. Chill” Evans over the last breast of lemongrass chicken at the hot bar. “It got nasty real quick,” said Mr. Andrews who witnessed the whole thing. “The Wiccan told Mr. Chill that he should ‘fuck off back to 1969,’ and Mr. Chill told the Wiccan that she was a ‘lame witch.’ It was real bad.” The Wiccans then claimed the dining area as an independent coven, and the old hipsters retreated to Crossties Barbecue.

Soon after this, the Eco-Kids, a faction of mostly of activist students, began annexing the patio to protest the sale of non-compostable wine bottles. In response, the health moms claimed the freezer section and the young hipsters blocked off the cafe. “The fuse could’ve gone off at any moment man, and that was before the anarcho-socialists even showed up” said Mr. Andrews.

The various factions agreed to hold a meeting in neutral territory, the cute little gelato place down Main Street, in order to formally secede from the co-op. At press time, the members signed a binding resolution to just shop at Whole Foods.


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