Freshman to Arrive On Campus With Fully Formed Sense of Self

CHAPEL HILL, NC- In a rare example of total and complete emotional security, Amy Sutton, a freshman at UNC, will arrive on campus with a fully formed and indelible sense of identity. “I know exactly who I am and nothing will change that,” said Sutton who insisted that she has “been through a lot of stuff already” and knows how to face adversity with courage.

Sutton, who had a serious relationship in high school that recently ended, is reportedly sure that she will stand by her values and relentlessly pursue her specific life goals throughout college.

“I think that sororities or classes or questions about my capital ‘F’ future won’t do much to disrupt my clear understanding of who I am.” said Sutton. “This is my time to have fun and I’m positive that I’ll never worry about whether or not my college experience measures up to that of my peers,” she continued.

Sharon Sutton, Amy’s mother, is reportedly quite shocked by her daughter’s concrete self-concept. “She has pretty much finished her growth as a person,” said Sharon, “I mean she’s so capable of working through emotional issues in a mature and measured way that allows her to both feel her feelings and move on from them with grace. It kinda freaks me the fuck out.”

According to sources, Amy can look into the mirror without feeling profound existential dread or pondering the contradictions of her being. She can also post on social media without continuously checking to see if people liked or commented, and can go on Facebook without clicking on Buzzfeed quizzes to find out if she has relationship OCD.

As of Tuesday, Amy has already made a series of lifelong best friends and has selected a career.

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