CHAPEL HILL, NC- Gregory Chang a.k.a. the “Campus Whistler,” who successfully appealed his removal from campus back in September, triumphantly returned to campus last week surrounded by thousands of animated forest creatures magically enchanted by his sweet, sweet whistles.
Late Thursday, the Whistler was seen leading his army of talking animals onto Polk Place whilst powerfully whistling a mystic tune. “I have brought these animals to life with my whistling incantation so that they could protect me from any potential anti-whistlers that may still lay about in these lands. I must demonstrate that any force that should want me gone from this campus shall face the full power of my whistle and he who dares shall be destroyed,” said the Whistler.
The Whistler, who’s full and vigorous whistle is said to be so beautiful it can overpower even the strongest of mortal men, has been known to bestow his listeners with good luck in the coming year. This is the first time, however, that he has demonstrated his ability to use his whistles to magically enslave animate creatures and bend them to his will.
“We’re a bit concerned about what this means for campus security,” said Interim Chancellor Guskiewicz, “but we also believe that the slight respite from overwhelming stress his beautiful whistling can provide is something we want here at UNC. We would also like to avoid provoking his legions of magical animal friends, so for now he can stay.”