NCAA to Replace Student Athletes With “Less Demanding” Chinese Factory Workers

INDIANAPOLIS, IN- In an effort to circumvent rising demands for payment by student athletes, the NCAA announced Wednesday that they intend to outsource all student athlete positions to factory workers from Shandong Province, China. “We feel that the fans and the students will benefit from this move in the long run,” said Mark Allen Emmert, the current president of the NCAA. “This decision will result in a massive decrease in the risk to injury for student athletes seeing as they will no longer be playing, and reinforces our fundamental belief that the primary focus of all student athletes should be their studies.”

The deal will reportedly involve training former employees of the Foxconn manufacturing company in the fundamentals of most Division I sports ranging from Basketball to Field Hockey. “If student athletes are gonna be little prissy-pantses over getting ‘paid’ because they ‘deserve it,’ then we’ll pay our players, it just won’t be any of them,” said Emmert. “We think, overall, this will result in a fairer, more exciting league where all teams are evenly matched and fewer schools are recruiting one-and-dones.”

“We are very excited to learn these American sports,” said Zhao Chen Huang, former floor manager of the Foxconn factory who will now be starting point guard for the Kentucky Wildcats Basketball Team. “Our pay has been raised from $3.80 per hour to $4.50 per hour so we are very pleased.” Zhao will be joined by 460,000 of his colleagues who, over the course of the next 3 months will replace every student athlete in the United States.

“We think each and every student athlete has the right to not be mistreated by the league they play for,” said Emmert, “which is why we’ve pledged to achieve 0% students playing in the NCAA by 2021.”

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