CHAPEL HILL, NC- A recent study conducted by the Astrophysics division at Morehead Laboratories has concluded that Astrology, long thought to be a superstition and baseless internet trend, is, in fact, a scientifically sound method of predicting an individual’s personality traits.
The study published Wednesday involved one subject, area student Jessica Phillips, who is a Gemini by birth. “We realized early on that this subject met all the criteria of a classic Air Sign,” said chief scientist Dr. Heather Samson. “She was clearly fun-loving, versatile and intelligent, but, most importantly, she was an absolute cold-hard bitch.”
“Jessica is a textbook example of how Geminis are totally out for themselves and can easily manipulate their friends. We gave her several opportunities to show compassion and she just insisted we gossip with her about her friend Jane and her ‘ugly boyfriend’ before we continued the session,” said Dr. Samson. Several tests were run on Jessica to map her bitchiness relative to a control subject named Elizabeth, who was born a Leo and is “as sweet as can be.” The results showed that Jessica was 80% less likely to help a person in dire need of medical assistance, and 90% more likely to call one of her close friends a “cunt” behind her back.
“It seems that being born under a particular constellation can predict, within a few percentage points, how sympathetic you are to the plight of your fellow human beings,” said Dr. Samson. “Further study is required, but I think we can say with relative confidence that Astrology is a highly accurate method.”
It is important to note that the study, which has yet to be peer-reviewed, was conducted by a bunch of Scorpios.