CHAPEL HILL, NC- It was reported late Tuesday that the Wendy’s in the basement of the Frank Porter Graham Student Union has violently expanded into the upper floors of the Union building, effectively annexing the entire Union space and claiming it as a territory of Greater Wendy’s.
“The whole thing is a Wendy’s now,” reported a somber Interim Chancellor Guskiewicz. “We have long feared that efforts to contain Wendy’s to the basement portion of the Union would fail, and today those fears are realized. We are in the midst of developing a coalition to oppose the unlawful expansion, but for now the Union is lost.”
“It is the way of the world,” reported Wendy’s CEO Todd A. Penegor. “The weak are devoured by the strong and the world is made anew. Wendy’s and her great peoples cannot be relegated to the bowels of this historic building. For now and all time Wendy’s shall be feared!” Penegor refused to comment on the treatment of Alpine Bagels employees, who, at the moment, are likely being held hostage by Wendy’s-loyal militants.
An area student seemed unbothered by the annexation stating, “I pretty much just came to the Union for Frosties.”