CHAPEL HILL, NC- After settling with the UNC Board of Governors for a $2.5 million endowment for the “preservation and benefit” of the deposed Silent Sam statue, the North Carolina Division of the Sons of Confederate Veterans are expressing concerns that new members will feign racist sentiments in order to gain access to their newfound wealth.
“We need people who will be reliably racist all the time, not just some opportunist who thinks he can pass as a supremacist ‘cuz there’s a few bucks in in for him,” said SCV representative Harvey ‘Lil’ Stonewall’ Evans. “My grandpappys’s grandpappy didn’t fall at Shiloh for that!”
“Before Silent Sam came down, being a neo-confederate wasn’t a big dollar industry. It was just a few guys who casually liked making liberals uncomfortable and believing that other races are inferior. You could really tell people were there for the right reasons.” With state-sponsored money entering their pockets, the SCV is concerned that only marginally racist volunteers will start showing up seeing if they can get a piece of the huge preservation fund.
The organization, which is known to promote false narratives about the Antebellum South and the “Lost Cause” of the Civil War, is concerned that new members attracted by the incoming University dollars may veer off-message. “One of ‘em might slip up and say the war was about slavery or somethin’ and we can’t have that,” said Evans.
“We’re not complainin’ but I just never thought I’d see the day when the liberal softies at UNC would write us a multimillion dollar check. We just weren’t prepared,” said Vice President of the SCV Jack “Ol’ Reb” Deveraux. “I mean who woulda thought that the university where students ripped that statue down would use their own students’ tuition money to pay us $2.5 million to take it off their hands?? I mean shoot! We’ll just have to vet future applicants for gold diggers, I guess.”
At press time, the UNC Board of Governors apologized to the SCV for any inconvenience the unprecedented endowment may cause.