CHAPEL HILL, NC- Area student and likely Democratic voter Tom Hardwell strongly supports the democratic socialist candidate Senator Bernie Sanders when he is in the right company.
“I really agree with his vision for a nation without stark inequality and destructive monopolies when I’m around friends who also think that,” said Hardwell. “They are so passionate so I have decided to also be passionate when I am with them.”
Hardwell, who in reality is somewhat uncomfortable with radical economic restructuring, and thinks the rhetoric of the progressive left is perhaps overwrought, has decided to not think that because other people will yell at him. “One time I said I supported Buttigieg and someone called me a fascist,” said Hardwell, “so I told them I was joking and I like Bernie.”
“We know he’s a neoliberal phony,” said Bernie supporter Raven Jasper, “but he’s fun so we don’t mention it.”
At press time, Hardwell was experiencing deep confusion masked as progressive enthusiasm over the Iowa Caucus results.