STATUE HELL- Silent Sam, one of few occupants of statue hell, the eternal realm of punishment for bad statues, is reportedly pleased after several Christopher Columbuses and a few British slave traders were cast down into eternal damnation in recent weeks. Silent Sam’s soul was damned to statue hell after he was removed from UNC’s campus in 2018, but now that defacing racist statues has become a global trend, he is finally being joined by hundreds of other insensitive sculptures. “It was getting pretty lonely I have to admit. It was just me, that statue of Saddam from 2003, and a few Soviet monuments down here and, let me tell you, they were not much for conversation. Finally some statues I have something in common with!” said Silent Sam.
“I don’t know who the fuck any of these British slave traders were, but they seem like my kind of people,” said Sam, “but I hear we might get a Robert E. Lee down here soon. That’ll really be a thrill. I mean to think that a regular, unnamed Confederate soldier statue like me would get to burn for eternity with General Lee? Now that’s pretty cool!” continued Sam, who is melted into bronze ore and reconstituted each day as a form of eternal statue torture.
The recent arrivals to statue hell were less pleased. “This is pretty far from my old pedestal,” said the statue of Edward Colston, removed by protesters in Bristol, England last week. “I mean sure the guy I’m a statue of participated in the slave trade and likely contributed to the deaths of thousands, but he also gave to charity a bunch!” said Colston before being tossed into the dreaded Chamber of Pigeons. The now-headless statue of Christopher Columbus from Boston was also angry, reportedly yelling, “at least I wasn’t a flat-earther!” as he descended into the flames.
“I really think we’ll all get along down here,” said Sam, “I mean we’re all pretty much on the same page politically.”
At press time, it was revealed that all the statues’ souls would be recalled from hell and sold to museums or neo-confederate organizations for “safekeeping.”