White Student Glad To Have Finally Finished Becoming Anti-Racist

CHAPEL HILL- “Wow, that was exhausting!” said white student Michael Ford upon finishing his long process of becoming an anti-racist. “Who knew it would take a whole month of reading Instagram posts about Juneteenth and signing Change.org petitions for me to actually become anti-racist,” said Ford, “I don’t know about you, but I’m wiped!”

Ford, who prior to this summer had never heard the term “anti-racist,” is reportedly overjoyed that he can now proudly consider himself an ally. “I tried lots of things at first,” said Ford, “like posting a black square and changing my profile picture and reposting articles from Medium, but then I realized that, in order to really be an anti-racist, I had to start shaming friends and relatives for posting beach pictures!” said the now certifiably anti-racist Ford.

“I really hope my actions will help advance racial justice in America, as well as my reputation as someone who cares about racial justice in America,” said Ford. “As an anti-racist white person, I now feel I can teach other white people about how to achieve what I’ve achieved. Then maybe, just maybe, we can have the equitable, guilt-free America we all want,” continued Ford. “That is why I solemnly pledge to post one racism-related piece of content on Instagram every day until I get bored, and to advocate for my fraternity to rush one or two BIPOC kids every fall.”

Having completed his journey to become an anti-racist, Ford announced his intention to take a long vacation with his family, and, once he is fully rested, to publish a memoir about his 75-step process to achieve perfect racial consciousness, for which Simon & Schuster has reportedly offered him a $12 million advance.

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