CHAPEL HILL, NC- As part of an effort to increase student interest in staying fit, the Student Recreation Center will now offer a variety of new classes that will hopefully appeal to a larger student audience, which include:
1- Elevated Surface Training
Calling all ladies — an experienced and certified frat groupie will teach you how to dance on elevated surfaces while dodging cameras to keep your performance off social media. Taught maneuvers include stage mounting, dancing without spilling your drink, dropping it low without wiping out, and the most crucial — dismount (crowd surfing included). After this class, you’ll be able to handle any elevated surface that comes your way.
2- Cycling (Crowd Style)
If you enjoy riding your bike through the quad when it reaches peak capacity, this class is for you. You won’t learn how to brake, but you will learn moves including — avoiding mini potholes from stolen bricks, running over students’ toes and striking fear into the hearts of the laymen who walk to class. You will also learn turn signaling.
3- Squirrel Shooting
Grab your air rifle for this one. This class teaches you to artfully and skillfully shoot squirrels whilst avoiding human civilians. Learn skills such as night shooting, baiting with leftover Alpine, and squirrel calling (taught by the Campus Whistler.) Any quality skins can be brought to the UNC Student Stores and redeemed for flex dollars.
4- Surviving Without Water
You can never be too prepared for the next water crisis. In light of last semesters’ water shortage, the SRC will offer a class in which participants will not use water for three days and nights. On the third night, you will receive an apology email that is absolutely meaningless. The effects of extreme dehydration will make even the water from a stopped-up Union toilet sound tantalizing. If you choose to quit before completion, you will automatically be appointed the chairman of the Chapel Hill Water Authority.
5- Davis Library Escape Room
When you want to procrastinate studying but still be productive, here’s a workout for the brain and the body. In this class, an instructor will pair you with a buddy and send you to a random floor in Davis. At this point, you will be blindfolded and spun around three times. If you don’t make it out in thirty minutes, you’ll be left in Davis Library forever. Say goodbye to your loved ones before signing up for this class, because the chances of survival are alarmingly low. A special nude edition will be offered during fall semester finals to coincide with the annual reading day streakers.