DAVIS LIBRARY, 7TH FLOOR- Area junior George Miller realized what a brazen and foolhardy idiot he was after opting to take the stairs rather than the elevator at Davis Library early Tuesday. “What a silly, presumptuous fool I am!” lamented Miller from the middle of his fourth flight of stairs. “How could I have been so vain! so full of hubris! To think I could achieve such a feat against such odds!” continued Miller who, despite walking into Davis from freezing weather conditions, was thoroughly drenched in sweat before reaching the fourth floor.
“Oh God! Forgive my imperiousness! Forgive my pride! I see now that I am but mortal!” cried out a desperate Miller, who after the fifth flight began stripping items of clothing from his frail, enfeebled body.
Davis Library employees, who heard Miller’s cries of despair, were largely surprised to hear that anyone had attempted to take the stairs at all, and determined that Miller was too far up to be helped. “We had to let him go,” said librarian Kelly Reeves. “No one would volunteer to venture past the fourth flight. No one returns from that point. As far as the UNC Library System was concerned, he was lost.”
Miller’s body was discovered shortly thereafter wearing only an undershirt and his backpack filled with Biology textbooks. UNC Student Health released a statement soon afterward reading, “We hope George Miller’s death this serves as a cautionary tale for all our students to remember their limits.”